Global warming

Given the recent news that a giant section of the Antarctic ice shelf is breaking off, I feel compelled to give my thoughts on global warming. The biggest problem I have with global warming is the name. Warming. It sounds too soothing. Today's been pretty harsh and miserable; tonight, I'll go home to my warm house, wrap myself in a warm sweater and a warm blanket, lie down in my warm bed in front of a warm fire with a warm mug of cocoa and be at peace. Global warming sounds too nice. They should have called it something like "Catastrophic global thunder fuck AHHHH!" That's an attention grabber. "The sun is going to fuck us to death with its fiery cock of death! The ozone layer is the condom that protects us from solar AIDS!" I know that ozone depletion isn't related to global warming, but hey, kill two birds with one stone, you know?

But the thing that struck me the other day about global warming was thinking about history. What happened the last time the Earth was this hot? Dinosaurs were out roaming around. The coolest fucking animals that have ever lived. And I'm including humans in that calculation. You can keep your humans, your chimps, your puppies... even those shrimp that mimic a gun shot are nowhere near as cool as dinosaurs. Dinosaurs were giant fucking dragons, running around, breathing fire (you don't know they didn't), and basically kicking the shit out of everything in their way for 150 million goddamn years. They had razor sharp teeth over a foot long. They had giant retractable claws on their feet. They were bigger than houses, which wasn't hard at the time since houses hadn't been invented yet (similar to how I am bigger than Al Sharpton as he is but a figment of my imagination... I hope). There were dinosaurs that could fly, dinosaurs that could swim, even dinosaurs that could mosey (which is difficult to do without beltloops and thumbs)... They ruled land, air and sea for just fucking ever (you can't even conceive of 150 million years).

So I'm thinking global warming is probably the key to bringing the dinosaurs back. The world was not prepared for their sheer awesomeness back then. Now we have pirates and ninjas and Chuck Norris; dinosaurs are still cooler, but we're making headway. If all it takes is a few degrees to bring back the ass-kickingest animals of all time, then fuck it, I'm going home tonight and burning some old tires. The hippies can complain all they want; when I go riding through town on my fire-breathing T-Rex, it won't matter for nothing.

Atta-boy Sparky. Atta-boy.