Spring Break!

It’s Spring Break week, and in keeping with that theme, I thought I’d share some vacation secrets to take with you as you plan your trip. Granted, most people probably aren’t planning their trip this far into Spring Break, but I wouldn’t put anything past your typical college student (hey, man, is it Spring Break already?).

Without a doubt, the best places to visit during Spring Break are beaches. There’s something about a large collection of young drunkards next to large bodies of water that just seems to make sense. Cancun, Daytona, the Strait of Hormuz, these are the types of location you should be shooting for.

Before visiting the beach, you’ll want to get your beach bod in shape. No point in going to the beach only to be embarrassed by your physique (don’t worry, we know it’s stunning under that muumuu). The physique you aim for is entirely dependent on the beach you’ll be visiting. For Acapulco, you may consider slimming down and gaining some muscle definition through the torso. For Green Bay, Wisconsin, you’ll want to gain at least 300 pounds of fat to prevent hypothermia.

After deciding on your location, there are several ways to go about getting into peak physical shape. Many people suggest exercises like crunches and push-ups, but these require a serious commitment of time and effort. Rather than go to all that trouble for one small trip, a good alternative is to simply draw muscle definition on with a Sharpie or other permanent marker. A good tip: the stinkier the marker, the less likely it is to wash off in the surf, so be sure to test the markers in the store by holding them to your nose and inhaling deeply.

You’ll want to build up a base tan before visiting most Spring Break locales. A spray on tan is the most natural method, though you can save a few bucks by buying a can of orange spray paint. Application is simple, though you will want to be aware that spray paint can easily clog the pores, causing death and/or acne.

If you are visiting a foreign country for Spring Break and still feel you have too much fat around your midsection, you can devote your first day of vacation to a weight loss method known to locals as “La Turista,” though you may come to refer to it as “Liquid Death,” or “Oh God, Oh God, Please Kill Me Now.” This technique is simple, though it will require you to set a solid 24 hour period aside. All that is required is a glass of local tap water. Drink it, wait 10 minutes, and prepare for a wild ride as your body sheds 20 pounds overnight. For maximum amusement, do this at a crowded buffet; the reactions from other people will be worth the price of your soul, which you’ve probably already forfeit if you’re willing to have the screaming squirts in the middle of a crowded eatery.

Break in all your banana hammocks early. You don’t want to look too stiff out there.

Practice building sand castles. This is a good way to impress women. Then practice kicking the sand castles over. This is also a good way to impress women. For some reason, women like douchebags.

If your Spring Break plans take you to the tropics, you will need to prepare yourself for drinks with little umbrellas in them. Practice by drinking punch bowl sized hurricanes, piña coladas, mai tais, or other fruity sounding drinks, with every meal (two at breakfast; it’s the most important drink of the day). Nothing is worse than getting stabbed in the eye with a tiny umbrella because you were unprepared. It may be difficult to remember to add the umbrella to every drink, so for the first few days of practice, you might try simply leaving the umbrella in your eye as a reminder. Incidentally, I’ve found that punch bowl sized hurricanes are a great way to prepare for most events; weddings, job interviews, court… the list is endless.

If you’re visiting a foreign country, you should brush up on how to speak to foreigners. Many guide books will tell you to use the native language, but this is a mistake; the locals will think you are being condescending. Instead, you must prepare yourself to speak English very slowly and loudly. It's important to practice this because if you go unprepared for all the hollering you will need to do to get your point across, you can easily strain your vocal cords. Probably best to brush up on your emphatic gesturing as well; you don't want to throw your shoulder out trying to find the nearest buffet when you need a place to vomit.

If you remember these simple guide lines, I’m sure your vacation will be memorable. Good luck fellow travelers!