The English Language

English is a wonderful language. People say it’s difficult to learn, but I don’t buy it. There are babies learning it every day. I spoke English as a toddler, and I was dumb enough to put my hand in a burning fireplace on more than one occasion. If someone who doesn’t realize that lighting yourself on fire isn’t the best idea is still capable of learning English, it must not be as hard as everyone makes it out to be. And fine, if it is hard to learn, that just means that the only people who speak it were motivated enough to learn it, and they’re the only people I would want to carry on a conversation with anyway.

The thing about English is that it’s a living language. People add new things to it all the time. Just last year, the Oxford English Dictionary added “irregardless” as a word. This was done to appease the millions of idiots who used “irregardless” when “regardless” already existed. Don’t be fooled; they mean the exact same thing, like “flammable” and “inflammable” or “color” and “go to hell, I’m not spelling it with a U.” But idiots didn’t realize “irregardless” was wrong, and rather than correct them, the Oxford English Dictionary bent over backwards to appease them (this is why I’m not spelling color with a “U” Britain).

But it shouldn’t just be left up to idiots to dictate our language. Shakespeare invented many words and phrases, and he was apparently a genius (he wasn’t great at hiding his sources, but in those days most people couldn’t read, so he was set). To that end, I’m developing my own words and phrases which I hope to add to our common lexicon. For example:

Narquat: A narquat is someone of below average intelligence whose stupidity is annoying, though not intentionally so.
“That asshole cut you off!”
“I don’t think he saw me... he’s just a narquat.”

Biepsilonian: A word that contains exactly two “E”s. For example, example. The primary use of this word is in correcting the spelling of someone who has misspelled a word with exactly two “E”s.
“Seperate the egg whites.”
“Actually, separate is biepsilonian; the center vowels are “A”s.” [Ed. Note that this also makes “separate” dialpharate and vox semivowelenscindoable, but you knew that.]

It’s all squirrels: This phrase means everything is going well. It typically is used in response to “How’s it going?”
“How’s it going (didn’t see that coming, did you)?”
“It’s all squirrels.”
“What?”
“I’ve got the day off work, it’s nice out, I can just hang out on the dock with my feet in the water drinking a beer. It’s all squirrels.”
“I’m not going to talk to you any more.”

The puppy of failure: This phrase has two distinct uses, though in both it is an analogy for a person’s behavior.
The primary method is as a negative analogy: “Boy, you sure took the baby seal of fashion and bludgeoned it to death with the puppy of failure.” The recipient knows that you are using this to indicate they have dressed poorly.
The other use is an ironic compliment: “Boy, you sure have taken the baby seal of adversity and bludgeoned it to death with the puppy of triumph.” This is the perfect thing to say to a gold medalist at the Special Olympics. The beauty of this usage is that it is complimentary, yet few people want to hear a compliment that involves beating a baby seal to death with a puppy.
In either case, it is an easy analogy to construct. Simply say “You have take the baby seal of _____ and bludgeoned it to death with the puppy of _____.” It’s simple, and it fits any occasion:
“Happy Valentine’s Day honey. You have taken the baby seal that is my heart and bludgeoned it to death with the puppy of love.”

That’s some romantic ass shit right there. Shakespeare has nothing on the ass that line will get you.