Superheroes

I don’t know about everyone else, but I don’t trust superheroes. If I had been kidnapped, and Superman broke through the wall, and he disarmed the kidnappers and beat them up, and he offered his hand to me and said “Come on, I’m here to rescue you,” I’d say, “No thanks, I’ll take my chances with these guys.” By this point, the bad guys are already disarmed and unconscious; what do I need Superman for? I don’t trust him. The man goes outside in a leotard with underwear over the top of it. If you are a grown man and you wear your underwear outside your pants, you are most likely clinically retarded. Why do you think all the superheroes wear those booties? It’s because they’re too stupid to tie a shoe. Maybe they’re all inbred, and they just happened to get super powers as a bonus prize, I don’t know. The point is, I don’t really feel safe flying with someone who can’t dress themselves at the helm. Just my luck Superman is carrying me, when he sees a bird, and reaches out to pet it, and drops my ass; “Ooooooh, birdie!,” and I fall to my death because I don’t fucking fly. Retarded ass superhero...

But I don’t want to be rescued by a superhero because I don’t trust ‘em. I imagine myself as a superhero, and I wouldn’t trust me. If I were a superhero, I’d try to do good. And I sense that would last for maybe a week. I know myself. If I had super powers, I would not put up with any of life's little annoyances again. You know damn well if you had super powers, you would never wait in line. It doesn’t matter what super power you have, you’d figure out how to use it to get to the front of the line. I’ll light that guy on fire, I’ll turn invisible and sneak in front, I’ll stretch my arms and legs around this guy and claim I was in front the whole time, I’ll clobber everyone in my damn way... yes, that is how the Fantastic Four go shopping, and it’s how I would too.

Or how about the DMV. What a hell hole that place is. If I had super powers, trips to the DMV would take 30 seconds, tops. If I could crush people to a quantum singularity with my mind, I’d enter that DMV and the only sound would be the rush of air coming in with me to fill the void left as 70 voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced (don’t blame me for using suddenly twice in that sentence, it’s George Lucas’ line; I figure as long as I’m writing about super heroes, let’s throw in some Star Wars). I’d walk up to the lone teller, who would promptly tell me to take a number, and then call out every single number before me twelve times to be absolutely sure that they weren’t going to blink back into existence at their turn. Apparently it’s impossible for even the mightiest superhero to have a quick experience at the DMV.

If I were a super hero, I wouldn’t work any more. It’d be hard to convince me that I should work for someone else when I had uncanny abilities that would make it easier for me to just rob a bank and live like a king. They always show super heroes working, and they’re always desperately poor people. Peter Parker, broke ass college kid. Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter. Bruce Wayne, billionaire playboy... but he was born into it. How well do you think Wayne Enterprises is doing when their chief executive is dressing up as a bat every night and gallivanting around town in a rocket car? Super heroes really should be paid for their contribution to the city. If I was going to be cleaning up crime, I’d expect something in return. Like if I saved someone, and I was flying them home, I might casually turn the conversation towards compensation.

“So... how much money do you have?
“What?”
“How much money do you have?”
“I don’t know, like 20 bucks?”
”Not on you, stupid, in your bank.”
“I don’t know, maybe a couple thousand. Why?”
“Well, I did just save your life. How much is that worth to you?”
“I thought you did this out of the goodness of your heart.”
“Oh, no, totally... but you are getting really heavy, and I don’t know if I can hold you much longer. Maybe a thousand dollars could improve my stamina.”

How dare you expect to be rescued for free? Deep down, everyone is an asshole. A super hero is just an asshole who is stronger than you. That’s why if I ever meet a super hero, I’m stabbing them through the heart with a blade made of kryptonite. Pwned! And seeing as how I just hit the geek trifecta, I’ll take my leave.