Ant Infestation

I had an ant infestation last summer. It got really bad. The ants were all over my counters, in my sink, I think a group of them even stole my stereo. I knew I had to do something, so I laid out those ant poison traps. The premise is the ants will go in, take the poison, and bring it back to the colony, at which point it will kill all the ants. This stuff does not work. It’s a flawed premise, because you are supposed to put it where the ants come in; in my case, it was at the refrigerator and the counter (I had been remarking how there wasn’t nearly enough poison in the food I ate). The problem is the ants already know where the food is. They never even go in these things; they know where they want to go, and it isn’t in this weird contraption that smells like death. So those things are bullshit.

I came up with my own method of dealing with an ant infestation. It’s very effective. Here’s how it works: You start by isolating a group of intruders. Take a few dozen toothpicks, break them in half, and glue the halves together to form a cross. Take most of the ants you have isolated, and, with the help of thumbtacks, stick them to the center of the crosses. Leave five or so ants free. Pour some kerosene on them. They will hightail it back to their anthill. Follow them (don’t forget to bring your ants on toothpicks). Prop up the toothpick ants around the outside of the anthill (use honey to help them stand vertically). Dump some kerosene in the anthill and light that fucker on fire. Ants will come pouring out of the anthill, catching fire as they escape. They will make it a couple inches and get stuck in the honey. The last thing they will see before they burn to death is the crucified bodies of their brothers all around them. If any ant manages to survive, they will know not to fuck with you.

I hope this helps you with your ant infestations. If it doesn’t, a prolonged siege may be in order; just take a page from Agamemnon (he was responsible for the siege of Troy; perhaps you could construct a tiny ant and fill it with explosives), or Janet Reno when dealing with the Branch Davidians (call the FBI, and when they prove useless, just burn the fucking thing down as referenced above).

Next week: how to rid your home of hornet infestation using common household items like jet packs and C4.