Circumcision

Would circumcision still exist if we didn’t do it to children? Say a law was passed that said no one could get circumcised under the age of 18, regardless of parental consent. Would anyone voluntarily have the procedure done as an adult? I imagine that there still would be a few; after all, some people get Prince Alberts (occasionally outside of infancy). But I would think that the vast majority of grown men wouldn’t voluntarily have part of their cock chopped off on purpose.

My friend actually told me last week that he wanted to get circumcised. I couldn’t believe it; I had to make sure he knew what that word meant. A grown man, actually admitting that he wants part of his penis lopped off… I can’t wrap my head around it. I said, “Make sure you ask the doctor if they’ll let you keep the foreskin.” It would make a nifty souvenir, you know? And hey, if you regret the decision later, you can always sew it back on.

I was reading an account of the surgery from someone who had it performed at 13, so he still remembered it (and far too vividly). You are awake for the whole thing. They give you local anesthetic by inserting a giant needle into the most sensitive part of your body, which is certainly something I’d be willing to pay good money for. You get to watch the whole thing (I recommend ordering the film too, so you can see it from different angles). Afterwards, they say you cannot “use your penis” for at least three weeks. I’m assuming urination is OK, but I wouldn’t risk it; just abstain from drinking more than 2 ounces of water a day and you should be fine. And, of course, be prepared for “the region” to hurt for, literally, months. Where do I sign up?

As I was reading this account, it occurred to me that telling a 13 year old not to get an erection for three weeks is like telling a heroin addict to “just chill out for a bit, cool?” It’s going to happen, planned or not, and there’s not really anything you can say to stop it (although telling a freshly circumcised 13 year old that if he gets an erection his penis will fall off sounds like several solid weeks of hilarity). But 13 year olds are inventive when it comes to masturbation. They’re like college students who can turn anything into a bong. If you told a 13 year old he couldn’t jack off without his foreskin, he’d probably just wrap some deli meat around his dick and go to town.

The thing that bugs me about circumcision is that it is widespread enough that we had to make the word “uncircumcised.” It’s the only word that we use to specifically describe someone who has not had a major surgery performed. You don’t see someone walking down the street with all four limbs and think, “He’s unamputated.” You’ve never been introduced to someone with, “This is John, he’s tonsilful.” “Yeah, my dad smokes a lot, but he’s still bilungular.” We don’t need “uncircumcised.” Let’s just be content to use “normal” when referencing those of us who haven’t had the pleasure of having our winky whacked, and “circumcised” to describe those unlucky bastards who have to live with a mangled member because their parents rushed into a decision half-cocked (you knew it was coming… and on that note, I’ll be going).