Febreze

Febreze is a disturbing product. It’s a product that lets you hide the fact that you don’t clean. Room smells funky? Spray some Febreze in it. Jacket smoky from the bar? Spray some Febreze on it. Don’t feel like bathing this week? There’s a Febreze for that too! Febreze is your ticket to never having to clean again. It’s laziness in aerosol form. I’m pretty sure it was invented by a Frenchman.

Febreze comes in weird scents too. Linen, vanilla, flowers, those all make sense to me. Apple cinnamon is a little weird. I had that one for a while; every time I walked in my house, I had to have a bowl of Apple Jacks and a glass of cider. It was like living inside a giant cookie. I kept dreaming about Hansel and Gretel (witches are so tasty).

Now I have Rocky Springs & Cool. Yes, Rocky Springs and Cool. It’s a trademark Febreze scent that combines the lovely odor of a rocky spring (mud, bear shit, and I think I smell the faintest essence of rotting salmon carcass) with that lovely aroma of cool (a heavy dose of Fonzi, but there is definitely a distinct bouquet of Brad Pitt on the palette as it falls off). People come over to my house and take a whiff and say, “it smells like Brad Pitt and Arthur Fonzarelli fucking in a creek bed in here. That’s surprisingly pleasant.” Everyone enjoys it. Thanks Febreze!